Just a few more minutes until xmas starts here, and nothing is all that different from usual. The Rabbit is in the next room coughing, clearing her throat, hacking up snot from her throat, blowing her nose loudly and frequently. Likely at least another half-hour, maybe longer, before she’ll even begin trying to shut down her computer and start getting herself to bed, which takes another half an hour usually. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to keep myself distracted from how horny I am, because there’s nothing I can do about it until she’s at the other end of the house; the lack of privacy here is incredibly frustrating on a nonstop basis.
I’m supposed to be ready tomorrow morning by about 10am — last-minute plans to spend the day with Again, whose holiday plans fell through. Hoping to fuck that I can get some rest before then, and hoping I can take care of a few things I’d really really like to accomplish before I get some sleep. So fucking sick of being stuck here. Sick of The Rabbit‘s complete obliviousness to all the shit surrounding her, all the shit she causes, everything. it’s so horrible here. And she’s said to me, explicitly, “I never wanted you here.” Well, fuck you too, since I never wanted to be here, but hey, you’re the one who made the goddamned offer in the first place, so…
Miserable. I’ve said it plenty before, but this place is killing me. It’s a slow death, but it’s death nonetheless. I mean, within the last couple of weeks, I had a night where, for the first time in easily 20 years… I could see swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills as a choice that I could make. I chose not to, that night. But it was a choice I could have made, and I recognized it as such. That ought to scare me; instead it was more of a “huh. Guess I’m not in great shape. ~shrug~”
I don’t know how I’m going to possibly find a home. Ever. Things have only gotten worse since I last ranted about how shitty housing options are around here, and they’re continuing to fall apart spectacularly for anyone who isn’t wealthy. It’s hopeless. Utterly hopeless.