When everything is gone

Fuck everything. Just got mugged while getting out of the car in the driveway of The Rabbit‘s place.

They got my purse with my phone and wallet; I hadn’t taken my keys with me, so I still have those… but there’s far more sensitive stuff on my digital device than on my keyring.

Attempted to remotely wipe my phone, but I’m not sure if it actually worked. Changed the master password for my password manager. Tried calling my bank’s automated system, that was a fucking useless waste of time. Same for calling my cellphone company.

The cops were here, took a statement from me, from her. I have very little faith in that accomplishing anything.

I’m going to take a pill and go to sleep, because otherwise I’m gonna just scream and scream and keep on screaming.

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Make it simple, to last your whole life long!

At a party, chatting with a few friends I’ve just barely met, and I break into song, because of course. It’s what I do. Something in conversation reminded me of a line or two; my mom calls it “life indexed by sound bite.” One of these friends almost stops me with “OHMIGHOD you have such a beautiful voice!” Apologizes for interrupting, bids me to “please, continue!” Jaw nearly on the floor the entire time.

Sitting with a friend over a couple of beers, and a song she’s jamming to reminds me of another one by the same artist. Convince her to turn that track on, serenade her along with the YouTube video playing, soulful looks with every word and every note. She tells me “you are seriously so fucking hot!” She tells me it’s not just the way I look, but “how much the passion and feeling carry through you as you perform.”

Countless times when I’ve been asked “Oh, do you do karaoke? Your singing is phenomenal!”

No. I don’t really “do” karaoke. I don’t feel comfortable with either school of karaoke, not the “get so fucked-up drunk that you make a fool of yourself for the entertainment of the audience” school or the “give an incredibly perfect rendition of the track that blows the audience away” school. The “for the audience” is what I don’t want.

I do, however, really really really love to show how much I care for someone through song. To sing for someone I care about, someone I love. And it’s quite a moving experience to be on the receiving end of that, so I’ve heard.

And I do, definitely, love to use song as a means of expressing myself. It’s often easier than trying to find spoken words to convey my meaning, and I figure why try to be good at something I’m often shitty at (conversation) when I can be great at something I already do well (singing)?

But what I really want, really need, is to have someone (or several someones) I love, who I can show my love for through music, through impromptu sexy and/or silly song-and-dance numbers. I used to be puzzled by the fact that lots of people seem to want to turn on music while they fuck — it was never anything but a distraction for me, since “listening to music” is its own activity for me, just like reading a book, or eating a meal, or having a conversation, or fucking. Then I figured out that if instead of trying to listen to the music, I use it as backing to my “dancing,” I can… well, let’s just say that she might call it “that incredible thing you do with your tongue, oh god!” but to me it’s more like “impromptu dance routine #4,982.” 😛 And I need that again, someone to dance for, to dance with, to fuck me, to pleasure her.

And what I also really want, really need, is to have a group of friends who are as passionate about music as I am, people who make music, to just sit down and jam with. I don’t want regularly scheduled rehearsals, practicing hard for an eventual performance in front of an audience, repeating the same fucking thing over and over and over until I’m way past sick of it and needing to be absolutely perfect for the eventual end product. Fuck that shit. What I want, need, have gone too long without, is others who just “do” music for the sheer pleasure of it, who can’t help but “make music” any more than they can help breathing in and out.

Yes, I have an incredible voice. It’s going to waste. It could do so much. I could do so much with it. But for now, like so many other things, I’m going without my basic needs met.

And on that note (pun intended) I’m off to sleep.

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