It keeps throwing me, the way that so many people conceive “having sex” as explicitly and only a penis in a vagina.

Like, distinguishing between “well, I got my cunt fingered and had the most AMAZING orgasm, but I didn’t have sex with that person.” I dunno, maybe I just have a wider concept of what sex can be than some people?

But I would totally count manual simulation to climax as sex. Cunnilingus? Sex. Mashing body against body with no penetration? Sex — even if there were no orgasms had by any of the participants. I mean, how is it possible for two cis* women to EVER “have sex” if the only thing that actually qualifies is a flesh phallus being pushed into a pussy? And yes, I know that’s exactly what has been historically used to “other” lesbians, to claim that it was a perversion of the Natural Way Of Things, etc.

But like… it’s hard to keep in mind that there’s no contradiction for a lot of people when they say “I might fool around a little bit but I won’t have sex” — even if that “fooling around” includes fingers on genitals, even if it includes kissing, even if it includes using toys on/in/with someone. To me, all of that is sex. To many other people, none of that is “having sex,” and it’s confusing for me.

You know who else puts a huge focus on “the singular sex act” though? Proponents of the proven-to-fail “abstinence-only” sex education. It’s the reason that there’s “the loophole” — anal sex isn’t “sex” and so the artificially constructed concept of “virginity” remains intact. Blowjobs? Not sex, apparently, depending on who you ask and when.

So when I talk about the lack of sex in my life, I’m not saying “I haven’t put my cock into any cis* chick’s cunt as much as I’d like.” And honestly, while that is one of the few things that I’d like to have happen, it’s not high on the list. I’m saying that as far as any of the myriad things that sex can be, I’ve had very limited opportunities for any of those. Being held close while I use my hands to cum… is sex. Being held close while someone else uses their hands to make me cum… also sex. That’s about the extent of the few-and-far-between encounters I’ve had in a very long time, though, and I want both more frequency and more variations — there are lots of fun things I’d like to try, and lots of things I’d love to do again, and they all involve other willing human participants.

I wonder if there’s a communication gap, then, when I say I want sex and other people hear “I wanna stick it in you.” Because that’s not at all what I mean. I mean, if it happens, that’s also nice — but it’s not the thing I’m aiming for above all else.

I need intimacy. I need connection. And like many of my needs, it’s just going to wait, seemingly forever.


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