I posted my usual “off to bed, goodnight!” on Facebook ages ago, but I couldn’t sleep… so I pulled out a stack of hard drives I’d taken out of my stuff in storage last time I was there, to see which (if any) of them worked, and what might be on them.
Found a bunch of video diary clips I thought I’d lost forever, although not (sadly) the ones I have been hunting for from when I was head-over-heels in love for the first time. (I recall seeing myself giggling as I attempted to recite lyrics to “All The Things She Said” for example, and it was both delightfully cute and acutely painful to know just how ignorant and blind I was, and how much misery she’d leave me with just 3 weeks later.)
Then on another disk I found a directory full of images, video clips, and miscellaneous documents I’d downloaded ages ago from a handful of sites that don’t exist anymore and would be difficult to track down at best… and more likely impossible for me to find again. I had put a significant amount of time and effort into getting these, and I thought they were gone. Turns out I have them still… score!
As if that weren’t enough, I also came across a handful of photos my mom had sent me, at my request, of me at various points in my life before I left home. They were lower resolution than the ones she’d sent the first time, but those high-resolution copies got eaten on my end and then later when her system crashed, too. Either way, I have several old photos of myself that I had though were gone forever.
Took a bath after copying files off of several drives, and as I stood up from the tub, I opened the window…
Outside, I could see only a patch of starry sky. I was struck again by the intense reminder that I haven’t been out under a starry sky in a very long time, and I want that again. I don’t have any interest in camping alone, mind you; I want to go out with someone I care for, but not to go out in the woods and have sex (even though I hear it’s, like, fucking in tents!) but to get away from everything with somebody who understands that we can get away together, and can share both silence and conversation as we both desire. The last time I had that was… long ago. Before the last time anyone came inside me, and the last person to do that was my psycho ex, back at the very beginning of 2011.
I need a break from all of this, though. From the daily stress and constant overwhelming sensory overload. From the petty squabbling and pointless chatter around me. From the isolation when I dread it and the complete lack of privacy when it’s essential.
Oh, and sex on a more frequent basis would make a world of difference, too… just one night with Again and I felt so awesome, so refreshed and so alive. And then I slept wonderfully, and my sleep was filled with dreams, and my dreams were filled with sex, sex, sex, and more sex. My mind and body remembered this thing I’d gone so long without; the appetite again awakened and stirred from sleep left my sleep stuffed with sex of all sorts.
I write quite often when I’m tired, I’ve noticed. Ditto with making my audio and/or video diaries. I’m okay with that, just something I’ve noticed. Also, going back through some of those old entries, I’ve found several bits where I detailed a dream I’d had, and I want to transcribe some of them… there’s some pretty interesting stuff in there!