She’s so good that you won’t see it coming

I wonder if anyone will ever fall for me who isn’t weighed down by major self-esteem issues? That seems to be the kind of woman I attract.

From my “first love” whose control freak tendencies were only outdone by her verbal and then physical abuse, she was so desperate to make everyone around her small and ordinary so that she could seem brilliant by comparison… to the most recent ex who could not hear her praises being sung by so many for what they were, whose consistent expressions of inadequacy could not be balanced out by my efforts alone, nor by those of so many I enlisted to join me in countering them… or the one boyfriend I’ve had, who began publicly posting suicide threats when I attempted to set and maintain boundaries, who spent much of the time we were together telling me what a bad man he was… or the psycho ex who needed so much to matter that she couldn’t simply be herself — she was Connor Quentin McLeod, an Immortal, a Highlander; she nearly broke my jaw and used me to get herself pregnant… the friend who has been so much to me, but who also consistently martyrs herself so that she can “let me be happy,” as if her happiness and mine were mutually exclusive, that mine comes at the cost of her own…

And the ones who don’t get attached, the ones who are friends-with-benefits but never “girlfriend” — Lime, Plush, Again, SoCal, and others — sometimes more “together,” sometimes not, but it doesn’t matter so much when none of them are the ones who share my life. I may be significant — the “friend” part of “FWB” — but not significant in that way.  And I don’t want to be that kind of significant with most of them, and that’s okay — but I do want to find someone who is that kind of significant, and who wants me to be the same.

And I want that to be a woman who knows how fucking bad-ass she is, and for us both to build each other up in our bad-assery instead of collapsing in on each other like a house of cards outside in a thunderstorm.

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