Like you’re always stuck in second gear

I need to be fucked… maybe held gently a little bit too, but mostly I need a woman to bend me over and screw me.

Tonight, like most, I go without.  I really would have thought that here in the bay area it wouldn’t be so impossible to find a woman who doesn’t need me to teach a remedial crash-course on gender and doesn’t assume (or, more often, expect) that I already completely know, embrace, and enjoy the default culturally-sanctioned heteronormative penis-in-vagina-equals-sex script and to “be the dude” in that comedic rendition.

I guess this is the part where I’m supposed to shut my little bitch mouth and quit complaining, right? I mean, after all — I get to be “out” as a transwoman, don’t I? I’ve got “passing privilege” so most of the time I don’t face violence for simply existing in a public space! Hell, guys hit on me all the time… even if that’s in the form of…

Him: “Hey, baby.”

Me: (I smile, give a small nod, and keep walking)

Him: “What’s your name?”

Me: (I keep walking, saying nothing)

Him: (getting louder) “Hey, what’s your name?!?”

Me: (still walking, looking ahead as I pass him)

Him: “Well, fuck you then, bitch!”

I should be flattered, right?  I should be responding to his advances if I’m so hard up for a good fuck! I’ve actually had too many instance to count in the last few months where I’ve seriously questioned whether I might be the one that’s the problem; if I could just find a way to be interested in guys, it would make everything so much easier.  Then I laugh at just how fucked up that thought is… here I am, a person Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) who is sitting and wondering about how much easier life would be if I could just find a way to “turn gay” — except that I’m simultaneously a lesbian woman sitting and wondering about how much easier life would be if I could just find a way to “turn straight.”  And then I realize that the problem can’t possibly be with me, and the fault must lie with the rest of the people around me who don’t get who I am at all — except if the problem were with other folks, then statistically speaking at least, there would be someone who had even a slight interest in fucking me who wasn’t a hetero cis dude… so that must mean I’m just not fuckable.

So where does this damn circle (not jerk) of need and want and lack lead me?  When I’m too exhausted to masturbate, or don’t have any safe place to do so, or end up working so hard trying to get myself off that I get myself pissed off instead… and sometimes go for almost two weeks without an orgasm (which does nothing positive for the rest of my health either, way to go negative feedback loop!) — what does that leave for my options?  This is killing me… and the only reason I’m still here is because I have so much support to help care for the rest of my needs right now.

I have a temporary place to crash while I look for a new home — none too happy about finding out last minute that I’d been fucked over with the place I thought I was moving, then had no reply to 4 different phone calls (each with voice mail), 3 text messages, and 3 or 4 messages sent on Facebook over the course of more than two weeks only to be told that they’d had a “tech poof… y’know?” as if the whole thing could be waved away as a minor technical difficulty.

I have had friends providing significant food, and places to get decent sleep, and company to keep me from suicide when I was nearly there… but I don’t seem to know anyone who is able or willing to fuck me — or who in turn knows anyone who is able or willing.  Does the whole “My friends set me up on a blind date” thing only exist as a situation comedy plot trope? Hell, I’d be grateful to have friends who set me up on the worst possible date just so I could laugh at the ensuing train wreck of events… but my friends would probably have to hate me to do that.  I’m pretty sure most of my friends do actually like me, just not as someone they or anyone they know would conceivably take to bed.

I’m not sure I’m actually saying anything significant at this point, so I may as well find a lyric/title and post this stupid rant already.


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