…every night — she needs to suck, she needs to lick, she needs to fight!

I…

need…

SEX.

It’s been a couple months since my last brief bit of fun; I fingered and ate her out but couldn’t even manage to get myself off.  Last time before that was almost 9 months, again a delightful opportunity for cunnilingus but that’s all.  It’s been over a year now since anyone fucked me, and I’ve been trying hard to compensate for that unfulfilled need by taking care of the needs I can address, but the appetites I can satisfy on my own are few, and the chances to do so are extremely rare.

The most frustrating part is that I’m unable to let myself fully enjoy the few beautiful moments of intimacy I do have, because some part of me knows that those short moments are all I get, and there’s no telling when I may see anything like it again.  It’s a lot like being hungry for food all the time, then being given a moderately sized meal, served with kindness and special attention as a guest… and biting back my tongue from complaint as I graciously thank my host for the wonderful food.  Yes, it really is tasty; yes, I really am grateful for it… and yes, I’ll leave with my belly wanting more and I’ll spend the next few weeks more painfully aware of my hunger now that my body has awakened to the memory of food.

I’m also so conditioned to avoid touching, to know I do not have permission, that touch is unwelcome and unwanted — especially the kinds of touch I want to give.  I can easily recognize non-verbal expressions of “back off! hands off!” as well as the indirect verbal cues that convey the same message; I’m not nearly proficient in understanding the body language or idioms that communicate invitation.  I’m probably clueless enough that unless someone tells me “I want you to touch me” or “it’s okay to ask for touch, I’m likely to give it” then I’ll probably stay with my default mode of extreme caution and isolation.  You could open the door wide enough that most people would catch on and step through… and I’ll be standing there wondering when that drafty breeze will settle down and if maybe I should grab a sweater!

So… if you happen to be one of those rare people who keeps company with me and might be down for more than sitting side-by-side each with our knees together and hands folded in our laps — I might need a little bit less subtlety to see what’s in store!  And by “less subtlety” I mean I wouldn’t complain if a woman wanted to grab me, strip me, fuck me however she felt like it, and then tuck me in to sleep…

~sigh~ I think the “tucking in to sleep” part I’ll go ahead and do for myself though, at least for tonight.

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