I’m just a shadow upon these walls…

I finally got to sleep about 7 this morning.  It was almost 4:30 before the rest of them here went to bed, yelling across the whole house and being loud and stoned laughing.  I was focusing on teaching myself crochet but I got too obsessive about making it perfect and I kept undoing my foundation chain and starting it again and I never got past that. I tried to sleep about 6 but it took a long time to get to sleep.

Then at barely after 10am the guy upstairs from me was BAM! BAM! BAM! really fast and really hard on his floor and after almost 15 minutes I finally put on some clothes and went up to his front door and tried and tried to get him to hear me knocking but he couldn’t and so I came back out front and his window was wide open so I tried yelling up and he couldn’t hear me and he was still BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! and there was loud music so I came back into my room and took a boot and pounded on my ceiling and yelled out my open window up to him again and I said “Hey! Your floor is my ceiling!” and a few minutes later he stopped but I’m not sure if it was because he heard me.

Then I waited a few minutes and kept my window open and my curtains a little and watched and when he came down I said, “That’s you straight upstairs from me, right?” and he said yes, and I said “Keep in mind that’s a very thin layer between us, and waking up from 3 hours of sleep to things falling off my shelves wasn’t exactly great.” And his only reply with a big grin, was “Oh, yeah, I was doing some exercise…” as if it was no big deal. He seemed to totally not get it at all.

It took until almost noon to get back to sleep again, even with ocean waves noise and a fan turned on, and then at about 2:30 this afternoon I was half awake and someone knocking on my door and it was her boyfriend kept knocking until I gave a sort of “huhhhh?” and he said something but all I caught was “violin teacher” so I figured he was being the good little errand-boy and warning me that there was going to be loud ugly noises coming sometime.  He knocked on my door yesterday and said she’d be practicing “later on” and that time I was awake so I said, “anything more specific or am I just supposed to guess?” and I heard him ask her what time and then she just went, “ummmmm, uhhhhhhh….. ummmmm… errrrrrrr…” for a few minutes and then finally said “3:30 or 4” but then she never did anything with her violin at all yesterday.

So today though I turned up my ocean waves even louder and I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep and since I couldn’t hear what time he said if at all about the teacher coming over I just kept things louder until I heard the tortured instrument in her hands and the teacher’s better playing but still really super loud and then I turned on some loud porn and I realized I needed to masturbate anyway since I couldn’t remember how many days it had been, and the moans and screams were about the same frequencies and volume as the screeching and caterwauling in the other room.  Then I finished and it was still going on out there so I saw that I had a copy of School Of Rock with Jack Black that I downloaded a while ago and hadn’t gotten around to watching yet and I turned it on and it’s still a fun movie, I don’t think I’ve seen it since I watched it in the theater with my family a long time ago.

And somewhere in the middle of the movie when it wasn’t a sad part at all I just started crying really hard and it’s been a long time since I cried at all and I need to more but at the same time part of me was like a smug little grin and saying, “Hmm, bursting into tears for no apparent reason, check — add another item to the list of ‘suffering from classic textbook symptoms of clinical depression!”  I almost thought it like a Jeopardy! question, “I’ll take ‘Clinical Depression Symptoms’ for $500, Alex…”  I’m a sarcastic bitch to myself sometimes.

Anyway I didn’t go out to the really fun thing I wanted to go do today that was happening from noon to 5, and it won’t happen for another year, and I’m trying not to be mad at myself and beat myself up for failing again and setting myself up for failure if I maybe knew I couldn’t go and maybe I didn’t prepare well enough and I should have done this different or that different or whatever and I’m really mad that I didn’t go and I know the situation was shit regardless and maybe I couldn’t have done anything different but it’s still bad. And the other thing tonight that I was thinking about doing I’m not going to be able to make it either and the fucking guy upstairs is stomping all over like usual… not excercise but still really fucking loud and I know I need to go out but I don’t want to and I don’t want to stay here either…

Welcome to an average fucking day for me. Choosing which is worse at any point, staying home or going out and doing nothing significant either way. I stay here until I can’t stand it any more and then I go out until I can’t stand that anymore or there’s no place to stay out. Fuck this, fuck it so totally and completely and I had a couple other blog posts that I was going to write a day or two ago but I didn’t and now I’m not sure I’ll ever get that written down because it was one of those “do it now or the fragments are gone” things and I’m having a hard time letting that go but there’s nothing unusual about that, having a hard time letting ANYTHING go and there’s so much I’m holding onto from my whole fucking life and I hate this. Hate it all and I need to get out of here because I’m not going to last a lot longer around here right now.

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