Tu regardes le ciel, et respires la nuit! {You look up at the sky, and breathe in the night!}

Last Wednesday night I was having a hard time dealing with the typical shit that goes on here, and just before midnight I updated my Facebook status and left the house.  I hadn’t realized how far gone I was until I was outside walking in the still night, and could feel such a contrast to my mind and my emotions — a chaotic swirl.  Trying to decide on a destination, I suddenly remembered a little spot I hadn’t visited in far too long… a small bench under a tree, away from almost everything, and looking out over a bit of water.  It’s incredibly peaceful, and nearly always deserted, so I aimed my feet in that general direction.

There was something else at play though, I realized as I began to take a very different and very indirect path to where I wanted to end up.  Some of that was extra walking while working to slow myself down, my pace and my mind and my heart.  Some of it was mixing routine and familiar (my destination) with new exploration in unfamiliar territory.  Some of it was beyond my understanding or awareness, and I was okay with that.

I could smell something burning in the air, the closest thing my nose could tell me was “it smells like when computer components get overheated and fried,” but it wasn’t exactly that scent; it was a faint smell but distinct to my mind.  When I got to my little bench I let go my purse, keenly aware of how significant a weight it was, and bit back the scolding I almost gave myself for packing so many things inside.  I was sensitive to small things, delighting in the chill of the breeze from off the water as I removed my sweater, uncomfortable with the tightness of the sports bra I was wearing — uncomfortable almost as if it were keeping my lungs from filling — mindful of the weight of my fake tits inside the bra, and how they stuck slightly sweaty to my chest… very much tuned in to my body and everything near me.  I tucked myself back into the sweatshirt for a moment and kept myself covered while I removed the bra and the “falsies” from under my shirt, knowing there was no one near but being modest because it felt right to do so.

When I was free of those, I tucked away my belongings into my pockets and my purse and let myself breathe deeply, filling my lungs and holding… holding… holding… before breathing out as much as I could and repeating again.  I looked up at the stars and laughed, I listened to the wind blowing, I probably sang aloud though I don’t now recall what words or tune.  Then I got a text message.

Very odd, actually, because this message appeared to be an accidental re-send of one from early this month from a gentleman I’d only briefly met and had promised to contact again but had forgotten to do so.  I needed to be reminded of him, and when I had finally been able to let go of so much of the shit in my psyche, there he was.  Sure, I could probably find a sound scientific argument for it… I could find something about the cellular carriers and their equipment, or point to flaky technology and unreliable electronics.  I don’t need to right now, because what I needed was right there; sometimes you make a call to the universe and leave a message with your needs at the tone… and the universe sends you back a txt!

On my walk back home I made myself move pretty — swishing my hips, stepping deliberately but daintily and enjoying the recognition that I was much more whole, much more at peace than I had been in quite some time.  I took a different route back home than I had on my way out, and different still to the direct route I normally would have traveled.  Doing so allowed me to discover that there are lots of daffodils and lilies near my home, and some beautiful landscaping and gardens that I’ll have to see while the sun is out.  As I walked, I sang:

Petit bateau sur l’eau,
(Little boat on the water,)
(Carry on…)
(Carry on…)
Petit bateau sur l’eau,
(Little boat on the water,)
Vogue mon âme vers le Très-Haut!
(Carry my soul unto the Most-High!)

I stopped mid-step as I noticed that the wind had changed, fresh and clean from off the water; the burning smell was gone.  Several times as I walked, I heard moving, flowing water — a few from fountains in people’s yards, once from the pipes beneath the street, but the sound of water moving, and the change in the air all called out to me to do the same: move, flow, change.  Let the old flow away, the pain move through me, change and progress and look forward.

When I got back home, I knew I was walking into the same shit as always, but I also knew that I could handle it.  I also recognized at some point that although I had been very much awake, that walk was a dream unto itself… and I’m grateful to have had it!

I’m just a shadow upon these walls…

I finally got to sleep about 7 this morning.  It was almost 4:30 before the rest of them here went to bed, yelling across the whole house and being loud and stoned laughing.  I was focusing on teaching myself crochet but I got too obsessive about making it perfect and I kept undoing my foundation chain and starting it again and I never got past that. I tried to sleep about 6 but it took a long time to get to sleep.

Then at barely after 10am the guy upstairs from me was BAM! BAM! BAM! really fast and really hard on his floor and after almost 15 minutes I finally put on some clothes and went up to his front door and tried and tried to get him to hear me knocking but he couldn’t and so I came back out front and his window was wide open so I tried yelling up and he couldn’t hear me and he was still BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! and there was loud music so I came back into my room and took a boot and pounded on my ceiling and yelled out my open window up to him again and I said “Hey! Your floor is my ceiling!” and a few minutes later he stopped but I’m not sure if it was because he heard me.

Then I waited a few minutes and kept my window open and my curtains a little and watched and when he came down I said, “That’s you straight upstairs from me, right?” and he said yes, and I said “Keep in mind that’s a very thin layer between us, and waking up from 3 hours of sleep to things falling off my shelves wasn’t exactly great.” And his only reply with a big grin, was “Oh, yeah, I was doing some exercise…” as if it was no big deal. He seemed to totally not get it at all.

It took until almost noon to get back to sleep again, even with ocean waves noise and a fan turned on, and then at about 2:30 this afternoon I was half awake and someone knocking on my door and it was her boyfriend kept knocking until I gave a sort of “huhhhh?” and he said something but all I caught was “violin teacher” so I figured he was being the good little errand-boy and warning me that there was going to be loud ugly noises coming sometime.  He knocked on my door yesterday and said she’d be practicing “later on” and that time I was awake so I said, “anything more specific or am I just supposed to guess?” and I heard him ask her what time and then she just went, “ummmmm, uhhhhhhh….. ummmmm… errrrrrrr…” for a few minutes and then finally said “3:30 or 4” but then she never did anything with her violin at all yesterday.

So today though I turned up my ocean waves even louder and I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep and since I couldn’t hear what time he said if at all about the teacher coming over I just kept things louder until I heard the tortured instrument in her hands and the teacher’s better playing but still really super loud and then I turned on some loud porn and I realized I needed to masturbate anyway since I couldn’t remember how many days it had been, and the moans and screams were about the same frequencies and volume as the screeching and caterwauling in the other room.  Then I finished and it was still going on out there so I saw that I had a copy of School Of Rock with Jack Black that I downloaded a while ago and hadn’t gotten around to watching yet and I turned it on and it’s still a fun movie, I don’t think I’ve seen it since I watched it in the theater with my family a long time ago.

And somewhere in the middle of the movie when it wasn’t a sad part at all I just started crying really hard and it’s been a long time since I cried at all and I need to more but at the same time part of me was like a smug little grin and saying, “Hmm, bursting into tears for no apparent reason, check — add another item to the list of ‘suffering from classic textbook symptoms of clinical depression!”  I almost thought it like a Jeopardy! question, “I’ll take ‘Clinical Depression Symptoms’ for $500, Alex…”  I’m a sarcastic bitch to myself sometimes.

Anyway I didn’t go out to the really fun thing I wanted to go do today that was happening from noon to 5, and it won’t happen for another year, and I’m trying not to be mad at myself and beat myself up for failing again and setting myself up for failure if I maybe knew I couldn’t go and maybe I didn’t prepare well enough and I should have done this different or that different or whatever and I’m really mad that I didn’t go and I know the situation was shit regardless and maybe I couldn’t have done anything different but it’s still bad. And the other thing tonight that I was thinking about doing I’m not going to be able to make it either and the fucking guy upstairs is stomping all over like usual… not excercise but still really fucking loud and I know I need to go out but I don’t want to and I don’t want to stay here either…

Welcome to an average fucking day for me. Choosing which is worse at any point, staying home or going out and doing nothing significant either way. I stay here until I can’t stand it any more and then I go out until I can’t stand that anymore or there’s no place to stay out. Fuck this, fuck it so totally and completely and I had a couple other blog posts that I was going to write a day or two ago but I didn’t and now I’m not sure I’ll ever get that written down because it was one of those “do it now or the fragments are gone” things and I’m having a hard time letting that go but there’s nothing unusual about that, having a hard time letting ANYTHING go and there’s so much I’m holding onto from my whole fucking life and I hate this. Hate it all and I need to get out of here because I’m not going to last a lot longer around here right now.

There’s a title somewhere here… later.

It seems everyone around me is having sex.

Not just having sex, but the kinds of sex they want, with the kinds of people they want, as often as they want.

I’m generally pretty cool with that, and it’s often exciting for me when people I know (and people I like) have something awesome happen, when they’re happy and satisfied… except that recently it’s been more frustrating than exciting.  Nobody is going out of their way to talk about the fact that they’re fucking and enjoying it, nobody’s passing along every juicy detail… but it’s something that comes up in passing with friends, something I can’t help hearing from my roommate and her boy-toy, or from the guys upstairs and their girlfriends, and it leaves me hurting and empty to know that I’m going without, and going without on a regular and consistent basis.

The really fucked-up part of this is that I’ve kept having the thought come back of, “well, maybe if I just settle for sex with someone I don’t want, or kinds of sex I don’t really like, then I’d be okay — at least I’d be getting fucked!”  I’ve seriously considered quelling the nausea that accompanies a guy coming on to me and playing along, given significant thought to passing myself over to some hairy, beefed-up tranny-chaser because that’s the only time I generally have someone show sexual interest in me.

Meanwhile, I’m seriously stressing out at home, not sleeping well (when I sleep at all) and still dealing with significant environmental stressors nearly non-stop, staying under-fed, insufficiently hydrated, and in basically all-around bad shape.

There was supposed to be more to this post but it isn’t going to happen right now…..

Happy S.A.D. (Singles’ Awareness Day, February 14)

hold me
spoon me
you can be the big one
if you want

slap my face
let me be your good girl

shove my head
closer to your cunt
my hair is the handle
make yourself come
with my tongue
and my lips
here for you to use

fill me with your hand
or your cock
still yours
whether you wear it or not

kiss me sweetly
kiss me rough
it doesn’t matter

since it’s only ever make-believe
since it’s only wishes and longing
since it’s only me



and fucked (except not)

Look at me, here I am — right where I belong!

Last night I spent a few hours in a room where the overwhelming majority of the people were women or at least “femme of center,” many of them lesbian, in a space intentionally designated as “feminist, anti-racist, anti-homophobic, anti-transphobic, anti-body-shaming, anti-all-that-other-bullshit.”

Had a chance to watch and listen to many astounding performers, and also got to rock the mic myself.

Got my hair braided for the first time ever (the girl who did it said she’d be gentle for my very first time… I said, “no, please — rough me up and make it hurt!”)

Shared some touch and contact — brief, but enough to remind me how drastically touch-starved I am, and was in enough control of myself to decline an invitation to a slow-dance party everyone was headed to because I didn’t trust myself to respect boundaries and wasn’t going to put myself in a potentially compromising position.

Passed around witty, gutter-dirty banter with other women whose minds are as smutty as my own, laughed, sighed, smiled, swooned, near-wept, felt more than I have in far too long…

And it was only after the night of sleep that it occurred to me how rare it is for me to be anywhere that isn’t a male-dominated space, someplace I don’t feel smothered by masculine energies… because, between the excitement of the other performers and my own anxious anticipation, I hadn’t thought about anything more significant than “this is where I belong!”

Yesterday overall was pretty damn kick-ass, actually!

Got up early, left a bitchy, bitingly sarcastic note for the spoiled-rotten wealthy girl-child along with one-third of the internet bill (even though there are 4 people who live here, only 3 pay towards rent or electricity or water or internet…)  I’m done being kind and polite to those who kick me down, insult me, blame me for their problems and then expect me to come groveling at their feet for more.  You fuck with me, I fuck right back, and I take shit from nobody.

Traveled by bus to Vallejo, got the money my mom left in my account to make up for the check that never arrived in the mail, stopped at the little Chinese food place next to the bank and was touched that the woman there remembered me when it’s been almost 2 years since I dropped in… the little things bring the biggest smiles!

Crashed at the waterfront coffee shop for a bit, my once-upon-a-time time-killing spot, and caught up with a couple of the folks still working there… chatted with a couple strangers, one of whom had previously seen me at the open-mic event there.  Someone mentioned the upcoming “holiday” on the 14th, and I made my perennial quip about “Oh, you mean Singles’ Awareness Day, S.A.D. for short!”

When I said I was taking a break after my last couple of girlfriends being… less than fantastic, shall we say… this guy asked me, “So, if you’ve had such bad luck with women, have you ever considered trying men instead?” I wish I’d been more quick-thinking in choosing my reply; I used that as a segue to come out as transgender, with “Nah, trust me — I used to be one, and I’m not interested.” I wish I’d thought to point out how fucking stupid that line is by turning it around on him, since he was clearly using it as a pickup line after just mentioning that he was single — asking him why he hasn’t “tried” being gay if he doesn’t have a woman right now. Ah well. Stupid is everywhere, you can’t avoid it. Best you can do is learn to laugh at it and keep moving!

Also managed to stop by a couple other old haunts, said hello to a few friends I haven’t seen in near-forever, and on the BART ride back home I got to listen to the beautiful song of French being spoken by a lovely couple behind me… which also reminded me to put a few particular songs on my phone to play when I’m out and about!

Ended the night in the company of a great friend who was celebrating the beginning of yet another year on this crazy little spinning ball we call home, met a couple of his friends and had a couple drinks, then came home and slept.

Any tonight…. oh!  Tonight is going to be even more fun than the last!

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