Home, where the heart is. But where is my heart?

Wow.  Well, here’s an attempt at nearly a week’s worth of updates; let’s see how long it takes me…

So, last time I was excitedly telling of my new home, and how eager I was to move in.  Well, I moved in — what an adventure in itself! — thanks to the help of Witness and [note: name redacted].  My parents rather insisted that my computer and monitor couldn’t possibly be safe anywhere in that truck, and that I needed to let them drive those things down.  It was a very obvious and transparent excuse for them to see my new place, and see me off, but I went with it — I had actually been a little sad thinking that I wouldn’t have a chance to say a real goodbye, and that was as good a reason as any to get them down there.

After they had brought the last of my things in, I went back out to the car, and stopped them both before they got in… gave my mom a great, big hug and said, “Bye, Mom.  I love you.”  She came back with, “Yep, ditto.”  So I turned to my dad, said “Your turn now!” Hugged him tight and said, “I love you, Dad.”  He let go, looked away, and said simply, “Bye.”  Then they both got in the car and drove away.

I know they love me; I know that they could never hate their child, no matter how far they think I’ve strayed from Truth and Light… but can it really be that seriously difficult for either of them to speak those words to me, to let me know that they really do still care?  Perhaps I’m expecting too much from them, too soon.  I often forget how hard this has got to all be for them…

At any rate, I “settled in” as much as possible at my new place, and for a while the “new carpet smell” did a lot to help me feel great about the place.  However, it’s really starting to sink in that the place is actually kinda creepy, unsettling, and to be quite honest — lonely.  The war veteran I mentioned before, is a little wrinkled 81-year-old Philipino guy who seems to have a short enough memory that he is eager to tell me the same bits of his life story twice a day or more.  They were actually rather interesting, the first time.  The second time, it wasn’t hard to nod politely, interject a “Yes, that’s right, I remember you’d mentioned that.” now and then.  By the ninth or tenth time it was just plain irritating.  Then of course, just as frequently he asks, “Do you read the Bible?” I always kindly say, “No, I don’t.” which launches him into a spiel on “Well, that is your prerogative, of course, but The Good Lord God asks us all to learn of Him, to follow His Commandments, and Jesus Christ Our Savior said…..”

That’s not even mentioning his sister, 2 years older than him, who nobody mentioned was sharing his room.  She speaks very little English, but is just as happy to tell me her whole life story every time we see each other.  Those two are essentially my only human contact in any given day, and although they are happy to not only address me as Sophia but to accept me as such, it’s really not that pleasant of a place.  I could go on about the grungy bathroom, the single power outlet in my bedroom which can’t plug computer stuff (even if it reached), or how there’s no internet access in my room even if I did have a computer, or any number of other things, but basically even though it’s a huge step up from my folks’ house, it’s not a good place.

I really rushed into things, and where I should have told [note: name redacted] I would like some time to think about it, I was so excited at the thought of *anything* that I said yes on the spot.  When I got back to Fairfield, I had a better offer waiting in my email, even, which I told the guy “I’m sorry, but I’ve just committed to something else.”  But I saw today that his ad is still up, and I contacted him again, just to keep options open.  He had been hoping to rent it by Feb. 1st, and I may — just a slight chance — look at moving yet again.  If I do, I’m going to take time and caution before committing.

So!  In more happy news, I saw my doctor on Thursday!  I made the trip to Fairfield as fully Sophia on the outside as I could manage, and my doctor — Dr. L — was her always-bright-and-smiling self, which did no small amount to help me feel good.  She is one person of whom I can truly say that I have seen her eyes sparkle with an inner light; she seems a truly joyful person.  She walked me back to her office, we sat down, and she said simply, “So! Tell me what’s up?  I can see a lot has changed.”

I started in with, “Well, first… I’ve moved out.”  I paused a moment for her reaction, and her sharp gasp, even wider smile, and exclamation of “That’s wonderful!  I’m so happy for you!” was such a thrill to me, and when she followed immediately with, “So what happened that finally got you to do it?” She opened the door to discuss the rest of my changes, which I happily did.  She actually hadn’t known anything about me as Sophia, since last we spoke, I had yet to acknowledge her within me, myself — and so much has happened so quickly that it’s hard to believe — almost — that I’ve come this far.  She had some general basic questions for me — is it just a matter of dressing up, or do you see yourself as a woman?  Are you sexually interested in men, women, or both?  Are you sexually active?  When you do start having sex, have you considered the importance of safe sex — some people really talk a good talk about how a condom just won’t do for them, how insisting that one be used is just a deal-breaker; are you confident and comfortable making that stand and telling them that going without is just as much of a deal-breaker for you?

I answered all of those and a few others, and she did admit that although she was somewhat surprised by the change, she was much more happy than surprised.  She had me schedule an appointment for two months out, and also let me know that she has an office in Vallejo, which will make it much easier to see her in the future!

So, tonight and tomorrow I’m staying back at my parents’ place — my brother [note: name redacted] is stopping here on his way to move to China, and I wanted the chance to see him again — it’s been a few years, and will likely be many more after that.  I figured I could handle two days back around everyone, and although it’s been stressful, and there have already been a number of really irritating things that have happened, the knowledge that I’m going back home very soon has kept me going.

More updates tomorrow after the big family get-together!

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