Well, here it is, more than a week since my last entry… and even that was just a quick summary. Anyway, a lot has happened, both in my own life and in the world.
Starting with the rest of the world — unless you’re still living under a rock, you know we have a new President Elect, namely Barack Obama. I’m happy that he was chosen to lead our country, and I think for the first time in my life, I can stand up with pride and say, “That’s my President!” To see a black man in the Oval Office is a great victory for civil rights and equality. However, it would seem that even those who support those rights, don’t believe that the same rights should be shared by everyone.
You probably also know that California’s Proposition 8 passed. I’m quite seriously confused about how someone can wholeheartedly cheer for Obama and praise the freedoms that we enjoy as citizens, and at the same time insist that “separate but equal” should work just fine as long as you’re not talking about race.
My glimmer of hope is in a law suit being brought against the state, stating that the amendment passed by Prop 8 can’t be enacted simply by a popular vote, as it affects day-to-day living for all citizens of California; instead, it must be approved by the state legislature before becoming law. Let us sincerely hope that they can win that case, and that the lawmakers are wise enough, and able to leave their biases and bigotry aside well enough, to do what is right and fair.
In more personal things, though, tonight is my first night spent on my new mattress. Remember that thing? The mattress I was supposed to have between October 20th and 25th? Yeah. So I finally have it, and I brought out my laptop, my toys, and everything else that had been locked away. Tried slipping my newer 8.5″ vibe back in my backside… and couldn’t even get the tip in! I guess all that time without a nice, hard assfuck made me shrink down or something. I was very unhappy. I guess it’ll be my 6-inch toy until I can strech things back out to where they belong… but at least I can do that any (and every!) night I want now instead of having to stress over whether it’s worth risking getting things out!
I got a new cellphone, and am now paying for my own service. Somehow my parents thought I needed their permission to spend MY money on it, and that they had not only the right but the obligation to demand regular access to my financial records to ensure that I was spending and saving the way they think I should. How they manage to still figure that they “own” me at my age is beyond me, but they still treat me as if I were their precious little 10-year-old baby girl, incapable of caring for myself, thinking for myself, or making my own decisions. I honestly wonder if, when I finally move out, they’ll call me up every day — or more than once a day — to make sure I’m not totally lost without them, that I’m not dying because my mom isn’t there to bitch at me every 30 minutes about something I’m already capable of doing on my own.
I’ve decided that once I know I have someplace else to live, I’m going to tell them everything. I’ll tell them the truth about how I play, about the company I keep, that I enjoy pornography, that I hate their church and the lies and fear it spreads, that I voted no on Prop 8 and am saddened by their enthusiastic support of it, that I wouldn’t dream of living without masturbating on a regular basis, that I love shopping at Frederick’s of Hollywood, that I orgasm best with big toys in my ass, and that above all, I still love them, even if they don’t understand or approve of my choices in life — and that I truly hope they can still love me no matter where life takes me…
But for now, I wait. I hide. I lie. And it hurts — I hate deceiving my closest family, but it would hurt even more to tell them the truth and have them manipulate my life into a terrible hell in the name of “helping me” or “fixing my problems.”
It may not be much, but it’s my life, and I’ll live it day by day, knowing that one day it will get better.