Well now. After my last crazy adventure with hair removal beauty products, I was about ready to give up, and resign myself to a lifetime of bush — like Australian Outback style bush, it was so overgrown and wild.
Time heals all wounds, they say, and the anger and frustration over my “flab” and having so much difficulty with the Nad’s had passed between then and this morning. I woke up in a wonderful mood, had slept really well for a change, and just as the perfect pick-me-up and “wake-up call” I pulled out my favorite toy from beside the bed and spent a few minutes in a little bit different dreamland than I’d just left!
So, got downstairs, and my mom and sister (I may have mentioned she was visiting for a week) were packing up and getting ready to head out the door… I hadn’t realized the week had gone by so fast. Gave Sis a big hug, (not too tight, though — she’s 4 months along!), passed around the truly-meant but still obligatory “I love you, I’ll miss you!” lines, and they drove off to Sacramento where the train was leaving from. As they were closing the car doors, it suddenly occurred to me — I’ve got the house to myself!
What better opportunity to give things one more shot, right? I went up to my room, grabbed the Nad’s and accompanying bits, and swore I’d give it one more try. As a side note, I went to the bathroom first, fully disrobed, and then made the trip upstairs — across the whole length of the house, up, and back down through — completely nude. I love it when I get a chance to enjoy the simple things like the feel of the air on my skin as I skitter around (and the little bit of rebellion in my lack of clothing in as “public” a setting as I could reasonably do!)
But anyway, got the removal gel — made sure to stop in the kitchen and microwave it for 10 seconds first! — and headed in for attempt number two. Was about to start applying the gel, and I thought, “those notes in the instructions say ‘hair must be at least 1/8″ and preferably 1/5” for effective removal’ — what if it works best when it’s already fairly short, instead of 8 inches (yeah, exaggeration…) per strand?” Looked around the cupboards, and decided to “borrow” my dad’s multi-purpose clippers set for a few minutes. Managed to figure out how the attachments went on, found the power switch, stepped into the tub for easy cleanup, and made several passes over the area. Didn’t take long before things were almost at a point where I was thinking of just leaving it, but I remembered that it would be prickly and itchy if I didn’t follow through, and that’s even worse than having enough hair to take to a salon…
Now, things were much shorter at this point, and I tried spreading on the gel like before, making sure to keep it thin. Pressed the removal cloth over, smoothed it down in place, and ripped up. Pulled off a ton of gel, but no hair, and things were still gloppy. Up to that point, I’d been pretty optimistic, and was feeling pretty clever about the whole “shorter is better” idea — but this fell firmly into “Second attempt: also a dud.” territory. Okay, like they say, and I’ve mentioned in the title here, “The third time’s the charm!” so I thought maybe I’d just spread it too thick, and used it a little thinner this time, put another pad on, same drill, pulled it up and….. maybe 5 hairs out of the mess had come out. I decided to just give up on the waxing gel, at least for the crotch hair. Rinsed the pads I’d gotten dirty, rinsed the extra gel off of me, and decided to go for Plan B… or would it be Plan D, since this made a fourth try? Either way, flitted back through the house (still no clothes, of course — just me and my body!) and grabbed the Nair “Shower Power” cream I’d purchased as a backup idea, just in case. The idea, I guess, is that you spread it on the needed areas, climb in the shower and get things steamy, but avoid spraying water on those areas for a couple minutes while the product goes to work. They say give it at least two minutes — I’m terrible at tracking time in my head, so I decided to sing one of my favorite songs all the way through (Peter, Paul and Mary – No Other Name, in case you were wondering) before using the included sponge to rub both hair and cream away. It was fun to be able to croon as loudly as I wanted, with nobody to bitch at me for annoying the rest of the family or whatever, and I took full advantage of the opportunity! Finished the music, gave myself a nice mental “crowd cheer” and started in with the sponge. I figured I’d do a touch-up application under my arms; even thought there’s not usually much there I figured it couldn’t hurt. Did that first, and what little there was nearly fell off the second I got the wet sponge in there! Very encouraging, so I moved down below. Things were tougher to come off, but a fair amount did still remove… although not nearly all, or even most of it. Attempt number four — partial success, mostly still a no-go.
Went ahead and finished rinsing everything off, did the usual cleaning things like my hair and the rest of my body, and was close to calling it off for today but my more persistant side kicked in, and I told myself, “Miss ‘Phia, you’re going to keep trying until you get it right! Do it again, it can’t hurt anything and just may make that body you love so much, that much sexier!”
Okay, self-resolve bolstered, I got dried off, making sure I paid special attention to my mound since the cream has to go onto dry skin. Used a bit thicker application this time since I thought maybe I hadn’t gotten enough last time to work effectively. Then disaster struck…I happened to spread the cream across a spot of roughened, slightly exposed and open skin that I was completely unaware I had! To say it burned a whole hell of a lot would make a great entry into the Understatement Of The Year award nominations. As I was cringing there in pain, I at least had the presence of mind to grab some toilet tissue and see about dabbing off and cleaning up what I could from the area. Two or three minutes later when I could stand fully upright again (things were still on fire but more of a candle flame than the Oakland Hills wildfire) I got back into the shower, got the water hot, turned the knob to switch the water to the shower nozzle, and tried to distract myself a little by singing again while waiting for the two minutes of sitting time. Needed something upbeat, so I went with Tata Young’s “Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy” and before long I was doing my own little dance routine, hand motions and all… then I realized it had probably been 4 or 5 minutes and I should probably start rinsing things!
What are we up to now, number five? Yeah. Number five was significantly more successful than any previous, and although it wasn’t perfect, it was close enough that I was willing to accept it as today’s result and go for another pass tomorrow or something. Plus there was still a teensy bit of burn going on, so I got my panties back on (thank the Mother for simple cotton!) and since then things have gotten back to normal. Then again, looking at the clock it’s taken me a little over an hour to type all this up — there were a couple interruptions, but mostly I guess I just had a lot to say! — and in that hour the pain completely went away.
I guess we’ll see if the sixth time’s the charm at a later date, but for now we’re calling 5 tries a win.
P.S. — Isn’t technology grand? I hit the “Preview and Post” button, spotted a couple of typos, so I clicked on “Edit” to fix them. Instead of the post I started at 9:41, I got a page with “Sorry! an unexpected error has occurred. This error has been forwarded to MySpace’s technical group.” That was at 10:55AM. I managed to copy/paste the full text of the post into Notepad where I’m currently typing this, but every time I’ve tried going to any section of MySpace that involves a blog, I’ve gotten the same error page. Almost quarter after now, so I’m just going to save this file for now, maybe go get some lunch (might even stop for a little me-time before or after!) and come back later to see if MySpace has fixed their shit yet.
I just have to keep telling myself “Computers are great. They make our lives easier. The world is a better place because of technology…” I just might start believing it, eventually…
P.P.S. — 12:45PM, tried again to get to the blog and post this update.. and there’s an error message saying all bolgs are disabled for “special maintenace” and will be back in “about 20 minutes.” Here it is just after 2PM — same exact fucking message… pretty damn long 20 minutes!
Just remember my mantra… “I love computers. I love technology. With technology, I am happy, and without it, I am nothing…” P’sh’yeah… right. Off for a quick self-satisfaction session and maybe a short afternoon nap; maybe by dinnertime I’ll be able to share the morning’s events?
P.P.P….yeah, fuck the “Post-Script”s, just say I have more to add…Anyway, can I call it, or what? Here it is, dinnertime. Just got up, must have been a lot sleepier than I’d realized because I got up to my room, stripped down, and slid into bed… sort of remember something about “wasn’t I going to give myself a little bedroom workout?” as I was drifting off to sleep within 5 minutes… woke up at 6:30 feeling bright, refreshed, and as horny as always, grabbed a bite to eat, and checked to see if I could finally post. Nine hours after I started, here’s the day’s accomplishment so far. It may not be much, but it’s me. Until next time…
My Lady Sophia
(okay, seriously — I fucking hope this is the last update, but it’s now ten to seven, and after copy/pasting everything back into the form, re-selecting what I’d been listening to, scanning one last time for typos or other errors, and hitting “Preview & Post”… it’s an “Unexpected Error” page again. Mother give me strength, I swear I will not give up on sharing today’s joys and sorrows… deep breath, hold, let it out… Okay, try again. And again, if need be. And yet once more after that, should it be required…)